My sincerest apologies to you for the unnecessary discomfort you have no doubt suffered from due to the appointment of a royal warrant to Kimberly-Clark Limited. If the seal of royal appointment on the package of Andrex toilet tissue is to be believed, this is the very toilet tissue that you may be currently using.
If I may elaborate further, Andrex toilet tissue is manufactured for your use by Kimberly-Clark. This same company produces the facial tissue, Kleenex, for which I have nothing but high praise. In the United States, I have become accustomed to high quality toiletries, one of which is packaged and advertised exactly the same way as Andrex, only in the United State, it is branded as Cottonelle. The paleography of the brand name and the infantile canine on the outer packaging is identical. Even the advertising slogan, "Be kind to your behind", is on both products. However, inside the package, there is a marked contrast in the quality between Andrex and Cottonelle.
As your humble servant, I submit to you that you have been using inferior toilet tissue. In the United States, Cottonelle is a soft, cloth-like 3-ply toilet tissue with a rippled surface. A variation of the Cottonelle brand even has added aloe to help soothe irritated skin. However, upon my arrival at one of your country's finest Universities, I discovered that although Andrex is cleverly packaged and promises the same things as Cottonelle, it is definitely not the same product. Andrex is coarse, cheaply manufactured and only 2-ply!
I have no doubts that Your Majesty was unaware of the inferiority of this toiletry product. I leave it to your discretion whether to force importation of the superior Cottonelle, or in the extreme, revoke the Royal Warrant and ban all Kimberly-Clark toiletry products from the whole of United Kingdom.
I have the honour to be, Madam, Your Majesty's humble and obedient servant,
Wendy M. Tarpley
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